When the baby doesn't sleep
I cuss and slam the doors
I cry, "I am the Babe
Destroyer of Sleep
Ruiner of ambition
Bringer of despair!"
I scream and throw things
He screams too
We scream at each other
And then I stomp away
To the closet where I keep the sheets
I fling open the doors
Grabbing at the stack of towels
The old ones Grandma gave me to clean baby messes
(because, when you're young, all your towels are new)
I bury my face into the threadbare terrycloth
and sob and scream, chest heaving
and I smell my grandmother
And she is here, with her baby
Crying tears that burn
And her baby is here too, with her baby
In the middle of the night
And we're all screaming together
Banging our fists against the wooden slats
The baby, the mother, the grandmother, the great-grandmother
And I am not alone
I go back to my baby
Draw him from the crib
And wrap him in the crocheted afghan
That my mother used to wrap me in
We rock and rock and rock
as he sobs, tiny chest heaving
and I whisper,
"It's ok, I'm here."
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Changing the world
When I was young, I set out to change the world. When I grew older, I perceived that this was too ambitious, so I set out to change my state. This too, I realized as I grew older was too ambitious, so I set out to change my town. When I realized I could not even do this, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I know that I should have started by changing myself. If I had started with myself, maybe then I would have succeeded in changing my family, the town, or even the state - and who knows, maybe even the world!
- Unknown Rabbi
I don't know where this quote comes from. (Maybe I should ask a librarian!) I heard it in a sermon last week. But it has been true to my experience, at least recently. God does a lot of fantastic miracles, but one of the most incredible is the healing and sanctifying of his children's souls. I think sometimes the world (and the Enemy) can distract us from this holy work by confronting us with "larger, more important" problems to worry and pray about: war, famine, elections, sickness. We certainly should think and pray about such things. But so many times when I bring these things to God, He responds by bringing to light the dark hidden places within myself that He wants to right. Perhaps healing a broken world starts by healing broken people.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A Dream Deferred
A Dream Deferred
Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
What I'm reading...
When I worked at the library, I had no shortage of books on my "to-read" list, since interesting titles would come my way all the time. Now I'm a little more out of the loop, so I have to actively search for something to read next week. I generally try to have at least four books out at once: A fiction book, a nonfiction book, an audiobook (so I don't get bored when I have to do mom-things), and a God-book. So here's what's on my shelf this week, and maybe you can make some suggestions for me!
Fiction Book: Beauty and the Werewolf, by Mercedes Lackey (most recent book in the Five Hundred Kingdoms series)
This is book 6 of the series. In the world of the five hundred kingdoms, a mindless force called The Tradition influences mortals to shape their lives into stories that it recognizes. For example, let's say a father dies, leaving his only daughter in the care of her stepmother and two stepsisters. The Tradition is going to do everything it can to make the stepmother evil and the stepsisters jealous and petty, and then to get the daughter rescued by a handsome prince. But The Tradition just wants fairy tales...not necessarily those with happy endings - a girl could just as easily be shoehorned into becoming a "Little Matchstick Girl."
Godmothers and others who know about the Tradition work to manipulate it into positive stories and outcomes. For example, a girl who wants to fight a dragon might first disguise herself as a boy, since she knows The Tradition favors the heroic-girl-soldier-posing-as-a-boy story. She might then find herself learning key fighting skills twice as fast, since The Tradition has taken an interest in making her live up to her heroic potential.
I would actually love to run an RPG in this setting, where PCs could get significant bonuses to rolls if they were invoking a Traditional path.
Nonfiction Book: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoe Francois
Sounds great, doesn't it? The trick is that they mix up a big batch of dough at the beginning of a two week period, and then just bake it a loaf at a time (that's the "five minutes" part). The title's a bit deceptive, but not all bread dough recipes can hold up to storage in this way, so at least this gives me a start. A few of the dough recipes can be used in multiple variations (one dough can be used to make regular loaves, pita bread, or pretzels), but the book lacks the indexing necessary to make this as useful as it could be. *librarian peeve - needs more metadata*
Audiobook: Justice Hall by Laurie R. King
I've been reading/listening to the Mary Russell series, and this is number six. It's essentially a Sherlock Holmes fanfic (but good) - he "retires" to the country to keep bees and takes on a young female apprentice. They investigate things. Mary Russell's insufferable perfection irritated me at first, but then I remembered that Sherlock Holmes is about the same breed of insufferable, and sure enough, I came to like Mary too.
A condition for my audiobooks is that they must contain no scenes that I would uncomfortably skim over while reading them...because when it's all spoken, you just have to sit there and listen to it and blush. So only very prim and proper, non-graphic mystery novels for me, so far.
God book: The Selfless Way of Christ: Downward Mobility and the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen
Great book - very quick but dense read, like a sermon series in a book. I read "Letters to Marc about Jesus," so when I heard about this from a friend's blog, I requested it from Mobius. Nouwen argues that the Christian life is really the opposite of "upward mobility," which he compares to the temptations of Christ in the desert - the temptation to be powerful, relevant, and spectacular.
Some excerpts that particularly hit me:
To be a person and to be seen, praised, liked, and accepted have become nearly the same for many. Who am I when nobody pays attention, says thanks, or recognizes my work? The more insecure, doubtful, and lonely we are, the greater our need for popularity and praise. Sadly, this hunger is never satisfied. The more praise we receive, the more we desire. The hunger for human acceptance is like a bottomless barrel. It can never be filled.
Later, he writes something that ties in nicely with this post I made a few months ago:
For most of us it is very hard to spend a useless hour with God. It is hard precisely because by facing God alone we are also facing our own inner chaos. We come in direct confrontation with our restlessness, anxieties, resentments, unresolved tensions, hidden animosities, and long-standing frustrations. Our spontaneous reaction to all this is to run away and get busy again, so that we can at least make ourselves believe that things are not as bad as they seem in our solitude.
The truth is that things are bad, even worse than they seem. It is this painful stripping away of the old self, this falling away from all our old support systems that enables us to cry out for the unconditional mercy of God. When we do not run away in fear, but patiently stay with our struggles, the outer space of solitude gradually becomes an inner space, a space in our heart where we come to know the presence of the Spirit who has already been given to us. In the solitude of our heart we can listen to our questions and - as the German poet Rilke says so beautifully - gradually grow, without even noticing it, into the answer.
Overly-long post, I know. Can you recommend some more books for me? What are you reading?
Fiction Book: Beauty and the Werewolf, by Mercedes Lackey (most recent book in the Five Hundred Kingdoms series)
This is book 6 of the series. In the world of the five hundred kingdoms, a mindless force called The Tradition influences mortals to shape their lives into stories that it recognizes. For example, let's say a father dies, leaving his only daughter in the care of her stepmother and two stepsisters. The Tradition is going to do everything it can to make the stepmother evil and the stepsisters jealous and petty, and then to get the daughter rescued by a handsome prince. But The Tradition just wants fairy tales...not necessarily those with happy endings - a girl could just as easily be shoehorned into becoming a "Little Matchstick Girl."
Godmothers and others who know about the Tradition work to manipulate it into positive stories and outcomes. For example, a girl who wants to fight a dragon might first disguise herself as a boy, since she knows The Tradition favors the heroic-girl-soldier-posing-as-a-boy story. She might then find herself learning key fighting skills twice as fast, since The Tradition has taken an interest in making her live up to her heroic potential.
I would actually love to run an RPG in this setting, where PCs could get significant bonuses to rolls if they were invoking a Traditional path.
Nonfiction Book: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoe Francois
Sounds great, doesn't it? The trick is that they mix up a big batch of dough at the beginning of a two week period, and then just bake it a loaf at a time (that's the "five minutes" part). The title's a bit deceptive, but not all bread dough recipes can hold up to storage in this way, so at least this gives me a start. A few of the dough recipes can be used in multiple variations (one dough can be used to make regular loaves, pita bread, or pretzels), but the book lacks the indexing necessary to make this as useful as it could be. *librarian peeve - needs more metadata*
Audiobook: Justice Hall by Laurie R. King
I've been reading/listening to the Mary Russell series, and this is number six. It's essentially a Sherlock Holmes fanfic (but good) - he "retires" to the country to keep bees and takes on a young female apprentice. They investigate things. Mary Russell's insufferable perfection irritated me at first, but then I remembered that Sherlock Holmes is about the same breed of insufferable, and sure enough, I came to like Mary too.
A condition for my audiobooks is that they must contain no scenes that I would uncomfortably skim over while reading them...because when it's all spoken, you just have to sit there and listen to it and blush. So only very prim and proper, non-graphic mystery novels for me, so far.
God book: The Selfless Way of Christ: Downward Mobility and the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen
Great book - very quick but dense read, like a sermon series in a book. I read "Letters to Marc about Jesus," so when I heard about this from a friend's blog, I requested it from Mobius. Nouwen argues that the Christian life is really the opposite of "upward mobility," which he compares to the temptations of Christ in the desert - the temptation to be powerful, relevant, and spectacular.
Some excerpts that particularly hit me:
To be a person and to be seen, praised, liked, and accepted have become nearly the same for many. Who am I when nobody pays attention, says thanks, or recognizes my work? The more insecure, doubtful, and lonely we are, the greater our need for popularity and praise. Sadly, this hunger is never satisfied. The more praise we receive, the more we desire. The hunger for human acceptance is like a bottomless barrel. It can never be filled.
Later, he writes something that ties in nicely with this post I made a few months ago:
For most of us it is very hard to spend a useless hour with God. It is hard precisely because by facing God alone we are also facing our own inner chaos. We come in direct confrontation with our restlessness, anxieties, resentments, unresolved tensions, hidden animosities, and long-standing frustrations. Our spontaneous reaction to all this is to run away and get busy again, so that we can at least make ourselves believe that things are not as bad as they seem in our solitude.
The truth is that things are bad, even worse than they seem. It is this painful stripping away of the old self, this falling away from all our old support systems that enables us to cry out for the unconditional mercy of God. When we do not run away in fear, but patiently stay with our struggles, the outer space of solitude gradually becomes an inner space, a space in our heart where we come to know the presence of the Spirit who has already been given to us. In the solitude of our heart we can listen to our questions and - as the German poet Rilke says so beautifully - gradually grow, without even noticing it, into the answer.
Overly-long post, I know. Can you recommend some more books for me? What are you reading?
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