Sometimes you just have to love someone (the verb) and the feelings come later.
I rocked and bounced and nursed and changed diapers for about eight months before I had consistent warm fuzzy feelings when I looked at Gus-Gus. I mean, there was a flicker here and there, but it was mostly like, "I think I am going to love you someday." The default feeling was, "I worked way too hard to get you here for you to die on me now, so I guess I'd better get up and make sure that doesn't happen.
Sometimes I get all guilty and ashamed because I don't like or love someone very much. I'm pretty sure everyone (or most everyone) has favorite people, which means we also have lots of people that aren't our favorites. I spend a lot of my time thinking, "So-and-so is really nice. I should really hang out with her/do that nice thing for her. I wish I was a nicer and more friendly person. If I were Katie-with-a-heart-of-gold, I would become fast friends with people immediately, and remember everyone's names, and write thank-you notes, and make meals for people when they're sick. Alas, apparently I do not have enough room in my cold, cold, heart for another task, no matter how noble it is. Because if I did, obviously I would have done it by now, right?"
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| Katie-with-a-heart-of-gold, friend to all woodland creatures. |
Future-Katie, are you listening? STOP DOING THIS.
Just do that nice thing that Katie-with-a-heart-of-gold would do. Even if it feels awkward. Even if you feel guilty about not doing it two weeks ago.
Because sometimes you do the nice thing, and magic happens. That person becomes one of your favorite people. They are really grateful, and you get relationship XP, and the next thing you know, you're bosom companions.
And sometimes, you do the nice thing, and it's just awkward, and you and that person remain not-exactly-friends forever.
But either way, you loved that person. Because love is a lot more about what you actually do than how you feel.
I mean, don't become a Stepford-Smiler or anything. Don't bury hurt deep inside and become bitter, acting like you love someone and despising them in your heart. But if you don't have the purest, most-honorable feelings before embarking on a noble deed, it's ok to still do the noble deed and let your feelings catch up later.
As Kara once said, "Feelings are a lot like kitty-cats. They're fun and snuggly, and good to have around. They are not bad. But you can't let them run the house. Otherwise the bills would never get paid and the house would be a mess." Kara is a wise woman.
Also, Future-Katie? Remember the pixie cut disaster. Do not repeat.
Love,
Thirty-minutes-ago-Katie
(ok, An-Hour-Ago Katie. It took thirty minutes to make that MS Paint illustration.)
